Report a Policy Violation
When did it suddenly become cool to hate everything? It's a growing problem, especially in the entertainment world, and no one benefits from an increasingly hard to please, pessimistic audience.
Author's Comments
Fin. Had fun. Learned some things about haiku and short poem writing.
--- So, every day I'll be updating this baby with another short poem. It may or may not be a traditional haiku in that its syllable count is 5-7-5. This is for =Iscariot-Priest's July haiku-thon, which you may read about here. The journal includes a list of participants. Thoughts and critique requested. You know the drill. -- 1. Many thanks to =Iscariot-Priest and ~SOLARTS for suggestions. 2. Freckles obsession. 3. Cigarettes are gross. 4. Happy Independence Day, America. Traditional 5-7-5 haiku. 5. Looking for books. 6. Piano. 7. Thanks for the call, Daisy. 8. Thinking of painting always makes me miss you. 9. Bo.  10. How does one fix a wishing well? 11. Words should stay sometimes. 12. Painted my uncle's deck. Got white in my hair and on my jeans. I think white is pretty in red hair. 13. Going down the highway. 14. This morning, once I got home. 15. No se. 16. Time to get dirty. 17. I always wanted to play piano. 18. Too vague? Will exchange for better one. 19. Attempt at tanka. A friend at school's bedroom walls are painted with a map of the world, including all the countries and their capitals. I'm no good when it comes to geography. 20. Don't disturb the reading. 21. Hospitals scare me. But nice opportunity to people watch. 22. Blah. Will exchange for a better one later. 23. I'm hungry. 24. Made proper English and messed with arrangement of lines. 25. I've always wanted to do it. And maybe even get caught. 26. No idea what's going on. Wish mom would call. 27. Not sure on wording or line breaks. Dad came home. 28. I am not going to be the one singing in your mum's phone. 29. Guys are too confusing. 30. Finished my extended essay [draft] on Tolkien's elves. Twenty one words short of the maximum limit. 31. Fin. Listening to 'High Hopes' - Floyd. Thanks to ~Amertie for help on all. Comments
 thank you dear.
--  *dALinkSystem | #Writers-Workshop | #project-improve | #LITplease | *Lit-Twitter | =DeviantArtSecret  A question, do the morning letters belong to the sheets? or are the sheets just plural? I got the idea of someone looking at the window at the sheets on the line while writing letters. If that isn't what it is (more or less) do tell
 I like this one a lot, just a little confused.-- "Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times." Anonymous Oh, ha. Thank you for catching that, it was just meant to be plural sheets, no apostrophe.
It is, more or less, meant to be like that. Someone writing letters with the light of the sun streaming onto their sheets through the window. I also meant it, though, as not necessarily letters that one writes. See, I got the idea whilst reading in bed this morning from the sunlight coming in from my window. So, letters could also mean like letters of the alphabet. Hope that cleared up your confusion some, and again, thank you for pointing out my typo. -- *dALinkSystem | #Writers-Workshop | #project-improve | #LITplease | *Lit-Twitter | =DeviantArtSecret Ok cool, no problem, I just wanted to see if it was a typo or if you were going for some other angle I just couldn't see.
Wow, I like the second idea too  Looking forward to see the rest of your stuff -- "Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times." Anonymous Of course, sorry for the confusion, but glad you caught it.
Thank you kindly. =] I can't wait to read more of your work as well. -- *dALinkSystem | #Writers-Workshop | #project-improve | #LITplease | *Lit-Twitter | =DeviantArtSecret Like I said, not a problem
Happy Writing -- "Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times." Anonymous And to you as well. =]
-- *dALinkSystem | #Writers-Workshop | #project-improve | #LITplease | *Lit-Twitter | =DeviantArtSecret  I look forward to trading haiku with you over the month.
|
|
Community News348 When did we start hating everything?`Rahll
 reports, 1d 12h agoWhen did it suddenly become cool to hate everything? It's a growing problem, especially in the entertainment world, and no one benefits from an increasingly hard to please, pessimistic audience. 276 Seniority Announcement - December 2009$chix0r
 reports, 1d 17h agoThe final round of Senior announcements for 2009! 90 Diversity Feature*nothingbuteverything
 reports, 1d 4h agoArt is so diverse, but we can appreciate it all! Showing the diverse talents of my watchers to the world! 63 Science Fiction art of the month v.21^gucken
 reports, 1d 23h agoA selection of the most beautiful and unique science fiction pictures of the last month. 48 Daily Literature Deviations - December 24, 2009=DailyLitDeviations
 reports, 1d 3h agoDaily Literature Deviations is a group that is dedicated to bringing literature to the forefront of the deviantArt community. We attempt to accomplish this by daily featuring Literature artists from around the community that deserve the recognition, but are not getting it. Each day we will feature 5 deviations from the Literature categories in a News Article. In order to support the artists that we feature, we ask that you  the news article as well as check out the individual pieces. We understand that each day you may not be able to check out each and every one of the pieces, everyone has their own things going on. We just ask that you make an attempt to help support the growing Literature community.47 wishing you happy holidays...*enemy-89
 reports, 16h 30m agoa wonderful collection-photography,digital and traditional works from my friends,from watchers and from people randomly found on dA.enjoy! |
PollWhat is your favorite holiday tradition? |
deviantART Loves You
Deviously serving the art and skin community for 3,427 days.
Only 225 days until our tenth birthday!
|
Deviousness
^Ikue has been a devious member of our community for almost 7 years and in this time he has proven to be nothing short of dedicated and devoted. Whilst volunteering his time over the last 22 months as a Gallery Moderator within the Community Relations Team, Chris has brought the Vector gallery and many vector artists directly into the spotlight. ^Ikue's commitment to the community is evident in everything he touches and you can always find him reaching out to others with an encouraging word. Chris is a natural leader with a vibrant and empathic personality, and is a role model for deviants everywhere. It's ev... Read More
|
Follow us on Twitter
Become a fan on Facebook
Critiques
Here are two suggestions:
1) "sun rays" sounds odd to me without the possessive noun, perhaps say "sun's rays"
2) the distribution of the words among lines (assuming sun is now a possessive noun):
sun's rays
sweep clean
sheets, morning letters
A few reasons why:
i. as is you've three images: sun rays, clean sheets, letters; and one action "sun rays sweep". This new structure maintains those images and actions.
ii. it makes "sun rays" and "sweep clean" more defined by separating the two into two lines. This allows the image to develop, line by line, rather than run together.
iii. makes full use of "sheets" by linking it to line two and three. A few readings:
a) the sun rays sweep onto the clean sheets (present in both - original and new forms)
b) clean sheets, cluttered by letters (present in both)
c) sheets of unread and forgotten letters (new, as they're now only separated by a comma)
d) the sheets may not be clean, and the sun bright light is making them look clean (new, as now clean and sheets are separated)
e) the sun's also sweeping clean the letters (new, as both are now part of a list, via comma)
iv. Shortens line one and two, "clutters" (lengthens) line three. It better fits the wording, as the sun and its sweeping is neat, while the sheets and letters are not.
Thanks for writing, I hope this was helpful.
Previous PageNext PageThank you for your Critique
You are not logged in.